Too Much Information

November 22, 2006 at 12:53 am (Uncategorized)

There. You can’t say I didn’t warn you. If at some point during the reading of this blog, you think to yourself “Ewww,” you can’t say this post didn’t come with its very own version of a Surgeon General’s warning.

It’s about my toes. I run – not very well, not very fast, and not very far, but I do like to try to do at least one lap of the beach (5 km there and back) on average three times a week. Sometimes when I am feeling particularly jaunty I might do two laps. After my first City to Surf, a 14 km fun run from downtown to Bondi Beach, the long and the hard way, I discovered my two big toes were badly bruised. I didn’t think much of it, until the two nails eventually and simultaneously lifted right away from their respective toes. They stayed stubbornly attached, arching back painfully in the surf and at times standing at right angles to my feet, until they eventually fell off altogether, and some nubbly, poor excuse for a toe nail was revealed struggling for life underneath. Such has been the pattern ever since, some five years later.

Now, I’m going to a wedding on Saturday, Bronwyn and Matt’s to be precise, and these two big toes and their rancid nails are just not up to scratch. The nail of my left big toe is still discoloured by a blood bruise, and upon closer inspection the whole mess looks suspiciously like a half-chewed lozenge that someone spat out after having second thoughts about its medicinal properties. It does not even remotely resemble a toe nail. All the toe nails on my right foot look almost respectable, but for the blisters bursting out at the end and to the side of…you guessed it, my big toe.

I’m grateful for my toes, I truly am, I just don’t understand this mutilation of my nails. I thought exercise was supposed to IMPROVE my appearance, not completely massacre it. They are so unsightly, they really are, but I just don’t know what to do about them. My gut tells me that if I get fake, acrylic nails placed over the top, the real nails will simply fester and finally die underneath. That’s a mighty pretty thought, don’t you think? So I feel like I have to persevere with my own nails, but they seem determined to peel off and play dead. What to do?

I have recently bought these gel protector things to wear whilst I am running, so perhaps they’ll do the trick. They just don’t provide a solution to my immediate problem, which is Saturday’s open-toed wedding shoes. I am even loathe to go and get a pedicure, although that’s exactly what I am going to do, because quite frankly I don’t think anyone should have to touch the things. They’re gross. I’m going to spend the whole pedicure embarrassed and doing pathetic repeats of my “I’m really sorry, I run” mime for the Korean ladies at my local nail place. It’s just mortifying. Besides which, they’ve heard it all before. Desperate measures are required, all advice welcome.

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