A Little Bit of a Grey Area…

April 12, 2007 at 3:06 am (Uncategorized)

I don’t think I am a particularly narcissistic person. I am not without my vanities, but they hardly constitute a bonfire. Like most people, I have always been quite insecure about my appearance, to the point of irritating Llew and certainly frustrating the hell out of myself. I’m never going to look like Angelina Jolie, I know that, but sometimes I still idly wish I was better looking than I am ever going to be. Why do I do that to myself? I don’t know. I wish I knew, because then I could STOP IT. Just STOP IT. That would be a relief for all concerned.

As I’ve gotten older, though, I have woken up to myself quite a bit about all this. There are certain people who still make me feel like a dog, and probably always will, but more and more I do feel a quiet (and a little bit resigned, sure) acceptance of the way I look. It’s part of who I am, after all. And I think my appearance does in some way reflect my personality, so it’s not a superficial thing at all to notice the changes occurring in my appearance. Before I leap in and say “But I don’t feel any different at all on the inside,” there’s a little voice that stills me and says “Sure you do. Think about how you felt on the inside when you were 20. Of course you’ve changed.” It makes me think differently about the accompanying changes on the outside. It enables me to like them a bit more. But then just when I finally started to think “You know what? Fuck it. I’m okay,” I started to go grey.

Grey. G-r-e-y. I have grey hair. Well, I don’t have a head full of grey hair, but there’s definitely a presence. A smattering. A contingent. A grey army, steadily advancing. At first they were too few to be discernible, but they’re obvious now. And their numbers are growing. Kim my hairdresser used to be able to just snip ’em off without even acknowledging their insidious creep across my scalp, but he doesn’t even bother trying now. I had a haircut a couple of weeks ago, and afterwards I couldn’t help but notice white and grey hairs still rudely attached to the rest of my hair. Aren’t I a little young for this??

I’m 34 years old. And when I was 10, looking at all the grown ups, I might have thought 34 was, like, soooo old, but I didn’t think 34 year olds had white and grey skunk streaks through their hair. That was a fashion statement reserved for the truly old. The ancient. The talcum powder people. Not for people in their 30s, who always seemed to be having a fairly good time of it, what with all those Coolabah casks and Jatz crackers that seemed to follow them around everywhere they went. No, I used to think that mid-30s was when life really hit its stride. And in many ways I was right. I just didn’t see any grey and white hair.

Am I the only one who is alarmed by how quickly it has come to this? Or am I the only one for whom it has come so soon?! I don’t know, I thought I had at least until 40 before I went grey. Or at least until I had a child. But no, it’s here. It’s come for me. And some friends are already employing cosmetic surgery and other procedures as a means of slowing or reversing the aging process. People the same age as me. And I would have thought that was all a bit premature too, but for the evidence that many people are convinced it’s not. 34. Just 34. Is it really time to start to decline? So soon? So soon after I finally got some peace of mind about my appearance? Boy, you’ve gotta be quick around here.

Advertisements

2 Comments

  1. kate said,

    Dearest sister,

    The week I turned thirty I discovered my first grey hairs and ordered my first pair of prescription glasses. Be thankful for the four extra years, and that hair dye is cheaper than plastic surgery!

  2. doctordi said,

    You make a good point, Kate! I am thankful, I think I’ve had a pretty good run, I’m just a little bewildered by the fact that I seem to be picking up so much speed – I thought I was still travelling uphill, not going down!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: