Sorry for not posting yesterday. I do so like starting the week with a blogging *BANG*, but I am really deep in this pretty critical redraft at the moment, and was head down all day, stopping at 7 pm last night to go for a run (in the dark and the rain, which was unexpectedly exhilarating), then going back to work until Llew got home at nearly 10 pm. I wasn’t idle, in other words, though a trifle neglectful, true…
Yesterday was a better day than I anticipated, given I am once again sleeping like hell. Wide, wide awake at 2, 3, 4 am. Odd, shallow dreams, followed by extended bursts of stubborn wakefulness. Maybe it’s the redraft. Maybe it’s the meds. Maybe it’s the fact that Nana is back from respite. I’m certainly having nightmares about that again, so I think we can safely assume it really is just an established and not very subconscious anxiety at this point. The government forms are back, though, so now we can get her in somewhere or at least on waiting lists galore. It’s hard wishing for a place to appear when we know it means someone else has to die first, but who am I kidding, I am still hoping like mad one magically falls from the sky pronto.
The good news is I haven’t fallen down the dirty well yet with round #3 of the fertility meds. So far, so good. I feel a tiny bit queasy, and I’m tired (OBVIOUSLY. THAT WOULD BE THE TOTAL ABSENCE OF A GOOD NIGHT’S SLEEP.), but my head is really clear and my spirits are fine. Kinda upbeat. Singin’ in the rain (well, running in the rain at any rate). So that’s a vaaaast improvement on last month’s situation. I’m going to see a lady on Thursday about alternatives including acupuncture, so I guess I’m looking for things I can do in conjunction with the conventional meds, at least until the six month prescription has run its course. After that I might happily ditch these pills, but I want to know I’ve given it a fair crack.
The third arm of sleeplessness, the redraft, seems to be going well, and I am nearly done with the second stage (which this draft consists of writing another page by page breakdown while I edit it yet again, and it’s astonishing how eminently possible that is even after all this time) and feeling pretty positive about the changes. The problem is I really don’t know what to do next. I’ve become quite accustomed to having something specific I’m working towards, a deadline for submission mostly, and now I’m just free-falling. Who should I send it to? What should I send? I’m very fortunate to have the Darklings hopefully willing and at some point able to cast a collective eye over these changes, but unfortunately they’re not coming at it fresh. This concerns me just from the point of view of this draft being taken on its own merits. Maybe it’s an improvement on the last draft, but how does it stand up without the benefit of that comparison? I think that’s what I need to know, so I think I need a pair of fresh eyes. Which raises another question: whose?
So you see what’s keeping me up at night. The fact is, I just don’t know. I’m so broke right now that I really don’t want to fork out for another paid assessment if I can possibly avoid it. It’s $500 I’m planning to invest in the next Darkling writing retreat, the hands-down winner should push come to shove. Should I ask a friend? Well, maybe. Except of course their opinion is always going to be at least slightly coloured by their personal relationship with me. I think this is true even of my blogging friends, because god knows I’ve considered enlisting their help too. I have a couple of friends who have A Contact in The Publishing Industry, that holy grail or desert mirage, depending on your perspective, so of course I’m wondering how and when and if I should leverage (truly a revolting notion) those shimmery connections. Just the thought makes me feel grubby, to be honest, but I know it’s also mad not sucking the bejesus out of every single lolly dangled before my increasingly haunted and bloodshot eyes. Fucked if I know what to do.
And so, dear friends, I’m not going to worry about it any more for the minute (no, I’ll save that for after midnight…). I’m just going to get on with what I need to do, which is fix my manuscript. Fix it ’til I can’t see what else about it be broke.
Oh, by the way, I am really enjoying Mrs Dalloway now. Some of the most sharply and subtly observed character assassinations I’ve read in a while. Most amusing and not a little disturbing too – a particularly delicious combination .