New Shades of Madness

September 14, 2009 at 9:19 am (Uncategorized)

It ended up being a busy, fast weekend, over way too soon. I’ve been doing loads of washing all day and just trying to get on top of correspondence and diary dates and freelance work. Last night Llew stood in our room staring down at my bag, clothes from the week away spilling out of it like entrails.

“You haven’t even unpacked yet,” he accused.

It was true. I’d been out the door Friday night, Saturday morning, Saturday afternoon, and all day Sunday. Our only time alone together was Friday night and first thing Saturday morning. Obligations to others, keeping us apart. Funny how that happens sometimes. And now it’s Monday night already and Llew’s working back late and I’m wondering where the hell the weekend went.

I’m basically ‘coming down’ from the last MS draft. Does this happen to other people? I wonder, because I’ve been working so hard that now I’ve finished the latest version, I’ve crashed. I felt reasonably good about the draft for about  24 hours, and then all the nasty, debilitating fears and uncertainties crept into my mind and went beserk, rampaging through my thoughts killing every positive in sight, miniature mental Rambos spraying a never-ending supply of bullets. As I confessed to Charlotte earlier today, last night  I collapsed in a heap of maudlin self-pity. I was basically too tired to reason, and that flaw in my functioning meant rewiring information until it was all bad.

And to top it all off, I just lost the next 750 words of this post. Okay. I’m going to scream now.

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12 Comments

  1. charlotteotter said,

    Losing words is maddening. Hope that scream was loud and satisfying.

    Fight the fear, dear Di, and carry on. I might sound confident saying that, but getting back to draft 2 after a few weeks away is causing me to quake and destroy, so I am saying it as much for myself as for you.

    • doctordi said,

      Well, Charlotte, I can only say same to you – fight the fear, and carry on, and I know you will get there after much quaking and destroying. There is no doubt in my mind.

  2. Grad said,

    It’s hard to fight self-doubt. It is something we all struggle with (except for real egomaniacs). While waiting for a verdict in a case, the presiding judge walked over to the defense table and sat down on it, and talked to our team about the plaintiff’s counsel (who had strode out of the courtroom as if he was Oliver Wendell Holmes or something – unaware that his performance was AWFUL). The judge said, “There are four kinds of people in the world. Those that know that they know, those that know that they don’t know, those that don’t know that they know…and then there are those like (name), who doesn’t know he doesn’t know.” Right now you may not know that you know…but you do.

    • doctordi said,

      This made me laugh, Grad. No mean feat given my mood over the last 24 hours.

  3. Fugitive Pieces said,

    Slow the bloody hell down. That’s an order.

  4. Lilian Nattel said,

    “Does this happen to other people?”

    Yes.

    • Llew J said,

      Not Llew, but Di, in his office printing out my MS…I had huge problems with Safari today, and sat in Max Brenner for 50 extra minutes trying to respond to you and Pete. Major frustration. Anyway, Lilian, I am sooo relieved to know this happens to you too. I don’t know if you went back to the other comment streams, but I really want you to know your novels are my reward.

  5. Pete said,

    I had to laugh at the comments. Not in a disrespectful way but in an appreciative way. So different (and yet wise in their own ways). I think it’s natural to have a lot of anxiety about this draft but resist going on the Rambo shootout. Maybe you just need a bit of time to let it sink in. Take note of some of the worries but don’t act on them yet. Good luck with all the catching up and arrrghhhh! re the lost words.

    • doctordi said,

      Pete, I need some sleep. And some reading time. And maybe some more sleep. But yes, the lost words made me seethe.

  6. litlove said,

    Yes, agreeing with Pete, the comments are wonderful. I’d just add that there are times when you need to put the writing to one side and think very hard about something else, and just after a re-draft is one of them. The Fugitive is right as always (she really is), and a good rest is what you need now. Stop that mind from whirring into overdrive. 😉

  7. doctordi said,

    The comments ARE wonderful, guys, you’re right, because I have such wonderful blogging friends, that’s why (you both included)! I think it’s too late to stop the overdrive, LL, so I’m just trying to ease my way out again.

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