Sulk’s over…As I confessed to Charlotte earlier today, I know perfectly well that staring at the long list won’t change it; trust me, I’ve already tried! Nope, the combined letters stubbornly refuse to transform into a happier tale, there’ll be no magical reassemblage of data into an order that suits, and although I can’t change the result (would that I could), I do know there are ten very excited writers out there who are no doubt still celebrating their own name’s appearance on that list. I do wish them well.
No tears have been shed – I seem to have toughened up a little on the rejection front – but I do feel really disappointed. I hadn’t hoped for more than a spot on the long list, but I admit I did dare hope for that. I know we’ve discussed this before (because there’s so much opportunity), but it remains a strange and difficult thing, trying to be both optimistic and brutally realistic. I have to believe that I can do it and yet in the same breath accept that perhaps I can’t – it’s a bugger. And bombing out completely unlisted is such a deflating end to the year – another year of such hard work it scarcely seems possible to have it dismissed so decisively. Oh, but of course there’s one more kick in the teeth still to come: the agency’s verdict. Goodie! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: it just really feels like I’m on another rejection [not-so-]merry-go-round, and I don’t think the news is going to be good. So I just wish they’d hurry up and SAY IT. Can’t they just SAY IT and have it done?
Enough of that. For now I’m sidelining MS #1 myself. It can just languish in the naughty corner until I’m good and ready. Instead I’ve added 1,300 words to my short story draft today, and once it’s done, I’m just going to press on with MS #2. At some point in 2010, I’ll get another MS assessment done for you-know-what, but until then we’re going to have some time apart. I’d hoped this separation would be in happier circumstances, but sometimes in life, a rogue fruit bat will take a steaming fig-infested shit right down your glass bi-fold doors, and there’s sweet fuck all you can do about it except get down on your hands and knees and start scraping.
In other news, Llewie and I had an excellent fifth wedding anniversary. He took Friday off work to surprise me, so we went out to our favourite local restaurant Jah Bar for dinner Thursday night, then awoke late to a perfect day which culminated in a wonderful dinner at Yoshii with the wedding party (being the two of us, the best man, his wife, and my bridesmaid). The weekend was a happy blur of running, swimming, eating, drinking, catching up with friends and chatting by candlelight with my beloved, so really, in all the ways that matter, I truly did win, and you certainly won’t find me complaining about that.