Six Characters in Search of a Microphone

January 21, 2010 at 7:33 am (Uncategorized)

As you know, I was feeling my age yesterday even before we got to the Seymour Centre last night, but by the time we staggered out of there at 11 o’clock, I was feeling positively grave-skimming. I doubt there are many things that could do a more efficient job of prodding me toward the dying of the light than those sound technicians managed last night. When you can’t hear the actors performing in a play, you may as well be dead. Or at least in bed, getting the beauty sleep I so desperately require.

“Eh?” I leaned across and hissed to Llew in the opening minutes.

He shrugged.

A short time later, a sharp elbow landed in his ribs.

“What did she say?”

Llew didn’t know either.

“Did you catch that?”

A slow, bored shake of his head, and then this: “Do you think they’ll mind if I play a game on my phone?”

What were they saying? What was happening? When would somebody turn around? It was all a vast, infuriating mystery. I mean, I know Pirandello had a rich sense of the absurd, but I don’t think this production of Six Characters in Search of an Author actually intends the audience to miss whole chunks of the play. I looked up at the pitiable souls occupying the back row – what could they hear? Or were we the only ones going deaf, just the two of us, a peculiar coincidence of premature hearing loss while sitting in a darkened theatre? Or could there be a much larger problem at work? I leaned forward, I squinted (as if that would help – what was I thinking?), and finally I stared up into the sound booth and thought evil thoughts about the two people chatting away cheerfully inside. What the hell are you smiling about? I wanted to scream. Had packets of roasted nuts been allowed in the theatre, I most certainly would have started pegging them at the glass.

And speaking of feeling like a decrepit old hag, how about all the bright young things swanning around the foyer at intermission? I suppose they must have issued forth from Sydney University across the road and the surrounding suburbs of the shabby chic inner-west… but wherever they came from, they were uniformly dazzling. Watching them, I understood for the first time that they represent a time in my own life that is past. I can’t tell you how it shocked me, to see their abundant, stunning youth and realise with a jolt that I myself am no longer young, and never shall be again. I hope and expect to remain young at heart my life long, but it’s not the same as that magical age when you feel invincible and crucial and insatiable. And because I was digesting these unpleasant truths for the first time, their radiant exquisiteness utterly defeated me. Instead of celebrating their perfection and promise, I scowled in a corner, sullenly deconstructing a Cornetto ice-cream while watching Llew attempt and ultimately fail to scrape his jaw off the floor.

“Would you like to move so you can get a better look at that towering princess?” I asked.

“You’re the most beautiful girl in the room,” he deadpanned.

I won’t dignify it by calling it a lie.

Anyway, as the second act began, I quickly abandoned the idea of being able to hear it in its entirety – that clearly wasn’t going to happen – and contented myself with large snatches of dialogue and some great performances overall – particularly from Ian McDiarmid, who was sensational and managed to carry his voice most comprehensively. He dominated the entire production, really, and were it not for his brilliant contribution, I’d have left the Seymour Centre feeling really quite stung. I did a bit anyway. It wasn’t just the aural issue, although the acoustics were atrocious. And it wasn’t my belated understanding that I’m no longer 21 years old. No, that wasn’t it (and besides, I was a near train-wreck at 21, not a drop-dead gorgeous, achingly hip gazelle, so let’s stop with the nostalgic revisionism, shall we?). No, what really killed the mood was adding up the cost of the evening as against what I thought it was actually worth. As with Al Green last week, the tickets weren’t cheap. But the cab home? Well, that was a killer – I suggest you sit down. No, please. Sit.

Brace yourself.

Okay. Are you ready?

Sixty-three bucks. SIXTY THREE DOLLARS FOR A CAB HOME!!!!!!! And we barely stopped at any lights. The cab fares in this city are just out of control. And they’ve just gone up. And they add mysterious ‘service fees’ that aren’t GST, because it actually says ‘service fee plus GST’ on the receipt. And you can never get a cab when you want one. And when you finally limp into the only cab left available in the whole of New South Wales, well, then they never know where they’re going. I’ll give them this: they’ve turned it into an art form. In fact, that cab ride was about the same price as my theatre ticket. Maybe there’s something in that for next year’s festival…



  1. Grad said,

    The whole evening sounds utterly delightful, dear heart!! Oh, sure…you could have gone to a play you could hear, with a nice warm dinner digesting in your belly and an after-dinner snifter of something to make you feel all glowy. And you could have had a cab driver who said, “This one’s on me.” But – where’s the fun in that?? It’s just not funny. You, on the other hand, have a very funny story to tell – which I enjoyed – and which made me laugh for the first time all day. So there.

  2. doctordi said,

    Well, Grad, I can surely ask no more than that! And just the thought of your laughter improves my own mood tenfold.

  3. litlove said,

    Yup, I teach those students, and whilst they may brush up well on a night out, they still slink into supervision with ratty hair and puffy eyes and all the signs of insufficient sleep. Plus, they couldn’t have written what you’ve just written, now, could they? 🙂 The cab fare is monstrous – time for a revolution.

    • doctordi said,

      Good thinking, LL – I should’ve immediately cast my mind back to tutoring days, when I was constantly ecstatic not to be one of the students…!

      Monstrous is right – it’s bloody outrageous!

  4. Fugitive Pieces said,

    Oh, Christ. Am I not looking forward to my cab fare home from Sydney Airport next week…especially post-10-hour-layover in Dubai Airport, and through the 8am rush hour. Joy. My wallet is already whimpering in anticipation.
    Yes, the young people are certainly shiny in our town. However, they don’t know that, any more than you or I did. Nostalgic revisionism? Or exactly the same tendency to self-blindness, plus 15 years? And what exactly will we be saying about our 30s in our 40s? That we didn’t know how beautiful we were, dammit, and please could we do it all again… again.

    • doctordi said,

      What’s with the ten-hour layover? Hideous, Fugitive!! That makes an evil journey positively diabolical.

      My IVF vet friend made a plausible suggestion – she said I may have felt old, frumpy and worthless because the IVF first round didn’t work, and as a 37 year old woman, I had a momentary flash of not fulfilling my obligations within the tribe… kind of primal, but it also makes sense. I’m over that now – screw the tribe! I’ve always been more partial to Darwin, myself, so excuse me, little leaguers, I’ve got places to be…

  5. Lilian Nattel said,

    My dear Di, you’re still young. 🙂 I keep being surprised when I look in the mirror. I don’t look like what greets me!

    • doctordi said,

      Thanks, Lilian, truly I do know that – it was a little blip probably occasioned by plunging blood sugar levels…

      Yes, I doubt you’re alone there – I find my reflection a constant surprise too.

  6. davidrochester said,

    I chuckled to myself a bit at this post, remembering the last time Beth and I saw a crowd of Gorgeous Young Things swanning about in a lobby … we turned to each other and exclaimed, almost simultaneously: “Thank God we’re not in our twenties!” For some reason it’s the self-absorption and folly that always strikes me, rather than the beauty. I take some consolation in the knowledge that I looked and seemed forty when I was twenty, so I hope, oh how I hope, that I was never twentysomething in the way these twentysomethings now seem to be. Poor things … they are so deeply invested in things that are inherently evanescent, their own selfhood being chief among those things.

    • doctordi said,

      How funny – I was always the same, David, I always looked old for my age until a brief golden age a few years back when the tables turned and I briefly looked younger than my years… that was a heap o’ fun for one so used to being prematurely mature…

  7. woo said,

    $63? For a cab home from the festival? Where do you live, Perth?????


    • doctordi said,

      Man Town, baby, Man Town – seven miles from Sydney, a thousand miles from care…! What is so close by boat is horribly convoluted by car.

  8. Pete said,

    That cab fare is monstrous, especially when translated into South African rands! Maybe you could invest in a car-share enterprise although I have no idea how such a thing would work.

    And I’m glad that at least one of those actors was projecting his voice. I would also have muttered and grumbled if I had to strain to catch every third word. As for the shiny twentysomethings, I’m a fan, simple as that. Sure, I know that a lot of them are self-absorbed and foolish and not terribly nice. But still, every now and then there’s one who is a delight.

  9. doctordi said,

    We just need to stop travelling by cab, period.

    Oh, I agree generally speaking about the BYT, Pete – I think they’re glorious. I was just grouchy, and I lay that fact squarely at the feet of the sound technicians.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: