Today

July 9, 2010 at 8:30 am (Uncategorized)

Today I hurt someone I care about. I didn’t and don’t want to hurt them, quite the opposite, but I know that I did. And I don’t know if there’s any way I could have indefinitely averted it – if there is a way I might have, I still can’t see it. I might have bought myself some more time, but that is all. Because this is not the sort of situation where one might simply say nothing, where it might just resolve itself naturally over the course of time – unfortunately it doesn’t work like that. It isn’t scabbing over. It isn’t fading. It isn’t going away.

So today has been a terrible day of knowing I have caused pain to someone I love. I did this by trying – perhaps failing, but trying – to do the right thing by others I love. There can be love on both sides, and still there can erupt situations that are impossible to reconcile. That is what I learned today. And I’m sorry – pathetically, hopelessly, pointlessly, appallingly sorry, because I didn’t and don’t know what else to do. I wish I did.

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8 Comments

  1. Lilian Nattel said,

    I’m so sorry, Di. It sounds like an awful dilemma. I do believe that even though you hurt someone, your intention matters, and your intention was to resolve the dilemma as well as could be done. I think that makes a difference, though that may be of small comfort to you right now. I’m thinking of you.

    • doctordi said,

      Thanks, Lilian, I really appreciate that. God knows I have tried to do the right thing as I see it, which is all anyone can do, but I can’t help wondering how two people can have such different ideas about what the right thing is, because it means we’ll never agree. And perhaps it also means there is no ‘right thing’ after all, only individual beliefs, so I don’t feel any certitude in a general sense about what I’ve done, only sure that I have tried to do the right thing for me and mine. It is a heartbreaking situation.

  2. plumbean said,

    i agree with lillian. you intention was purely good. i left an award for you at the plum bean…

    • doctordi said,

      Thanks, Priya. That honesty you’re so kindly rewarding me for is precisely what gets me into this kind of trouble. I think it’s really hard weighing up good intentions against pretty nuclear consequences. I know my motivation was good, but I think my actual handling of it was poor, and the consequences are pretty severe, so it’s hard sometimes to look at my own honesty as a positive force. Sometimes it just feels like a wrecking ball.

  3. bookgazing said,

    I don’t know but it sounds like someone else made this situation where you had to choose one way, so don’t feel bad for trying to work out a decent resolution within their flawed constraints – you were bound to come away feeling bad about one side of the deal. Good luck with everything to do with it over the next little while.

    • doctordi said,

      Thanks, bookgazing, but the other party’s just made their own set of decisions about their own life, and almost certainly had no idea until Friday how strongly I felt about those choices and their convergence with my life. Everyone is doing the best they can, this is just a very unfortunate series of circumstances that have come to a head for a variety of reasons.

  4. Norwichrocks said,

    You can only ask of yourself to do what you think is right – despite the (sometimes adverse) consequences. You cannot ask any more or any differently of yourself. That’s the definition of a good conscience, I think.

    • doctordi said,

      I think this is right, Woo… or at least, it certainly echoes my own thinking, and that’s what we each have to rely upon once all the evidence is in. It’s a shame, though, about those consequences – it’d be nice to dodge them.

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